10:26 pm
Yesterday no report. The whole day was a blur. Today overpowered it.
Today began very early. Nerves. There are holes in all my jeans so I wore one to mow the lawn and had better clothes in my backpack. R arrived as I was finishing the lawn, I got dressed, left my bag and all my stuff in the church, then told R I had to catch the train. He seemed disappointed but let me go.
Found the first train transfer by mostly following other people. Got on the train to Philly without much effort, after I figured out what the kiosk wanted from my credit card. Then the transfer to the subway went easy enough. I got on the subway train and there was a smell and some sticky liquid oozing on the floor, and some guys sniggering about someone who had thrown up earlier. But I made it to 40th street and walked down the 4 blocks to my destination. I was an hour early.
I stopped in at the panera and ordered a sandwich, giving them my first name. They called out my last name and my first thought was, wow that's weird someone has my last name. It took a minute for me to realize it might be me. It took another minute of explanation before I understood my credit card had given them my name. A little weirded out by that. But I took my food upstairs and ate while I texted C.
Time, and I went down to the venue. D was happy to see me, C was nowhere to be found. There was one guy there that seemed very cool but I wasn't sure how to approach conversation. Finally, at the last minute, C texted me that she couldn't get in. I found her outside and we were ready to go. The performances were great. One lady, I think, actually believes there are dinosaurs still alive. The guy from earlier was awesome. C was funny and relatable. All was worth the trip.
C was gently pressured into driving me home, but I think it was fine. Everyone was shocked and impressed that I knew how to take the trains. I'm confused. Trains are the easiest thing. You get a ticket, you get on, you get off. What's scary? It's so much simpler and less taxing than driving, especially in an area you're unfamiliar with. Maybe I'll run a train field trip one day.
I'm becoming a little obsessed with stardew valley. It's like don't starve but so much more. I'm also reading Ishmael. The dishes got done yesterday. My new jeans arrived and were washed and are drying now. They're too thin because I didn't buy them in winter. I hate thin jeans.
8:57 pm
Today started late because I was half-asleep in bed. But I made it, and hit work with fire. I ended up getting pretty crazed and angry-passionate about fixing some ongoing problems, I might have raised my voice to this other person on the phone.
Never extend favors to anyone. Those people are usually the ones that have problems or don't deserve the time or effort. Everyone goes through the exact same process in exactly the same way. Never believe anything anyone says over the phone. This is not the first time I fell into this trap. Never the fuck again.
On the plus side I taught a coworker how to code html. She's doing so great.
Then ASL class. I'm always self-conscious in a classroom setting, when I'm not responsible for something. It's like, I can't function unless I have a function. I'm always afraid I come off as flirting when I'm trying to pay attention. Am I being weird? Am I making odd eye contact? Does my face look mean? I can't tell I have no feedback the teacher is looking around the room and only occasionally at me. I'm being weird, aren't I.
Home again and took a shower. I really never want to be in a classroom setting. When I'm trying to learn something I can't have someone else looking at me, it's like I'm trying to use social skills and learn at the same time and it doesn't work.
Maybe some stardew and oatmeal will help.
11:10 pm
Today started slow. I'd gone to bed early, and was awake before 6:30, lounged in the tent until 7:30 before finally getting up. Traffic was awful so I got to work on time anyway. Tomorrow maybe I'll take the train.
Work was a lot of jumping around different projects. Got a lead on some eventual changes for the better. Maybe. Figured out some of the new database limitations. Maybe.
Art class, teacher was thrilled that I found a digital copy of the photograph, so wildly different. Also thrilled that I finished the drawing. Didn't tell her I cheated and traced it. Started the washes and colors. I won't use too many layers this time. I'm not going to do it. Clean colors only. She recommended the show at the Met. Maybe I'll start taking her advice.
Took the church trash out. There was a weird humming that seemed to be in the ceiling, spent 10 minutes trying to figure it out before I gave up and went outside. It was a truck idling on the street.
For the past few days I've only eaten rice and lentils and kale. And cheerios.
Friend asked if I could go be in the audience at her storytelling thing on Saturday. I said absolutely. 3 trains will get me there.
No time for Stardew tonight. Time to read. Nearly done with Street Cat Named Bob.
8:49 pm
Today started kind of late. I was too into cracking every joint to get up. There are holes in all my jeans except the black ones.
Meetings, I felt like I was a little short but nobody called me out so maybe I was better than I thought. Got a ton of forms processed and a database dropped wrong so I'm tasked with correcting it. It'll be fine. I think. I left a half hour early.
Came home and made lentil burritos. Decided to redo my art project after I ruined the first one with a wrong wash. Only afterward did I find a digital copy of the photograph that had vastly different colors. I may need help to avoid too many layers. Small panic. I made a limited palette I think.
Forgot I hadn't showered. Did it. I forget a lot.
8:32 pm
I'm so tired but it's too early to sleep. I'll be restless all night if I go now.
Today started fine. Several unexpected meetings. At the end I was ravenously hungry. And tired. I can't think. It's hot.
9:20 pm
Church was ok. After was a board meeting in which I was volunteered to run the nominating committee. Fine. After that I went to other friend's house, so she could show me all the ways her life is going right and wrong. And then it was 2 pm and I was so fucking tired. Read a few chapters of Street Cat, cleaned a little, napped slightly, decided not to go take the church trash out, fuck it.
I always feel like shit when I've expressed something bad that's going on with me. Like I don't deserve the empathy. Like I don't deserve to have emotions about anything unless it's positive.
smile.
8:57 am the 28th, Sunday
So much spun around yesterday that I forgot about writing an entry.
The day started by opening the curtains for Rufus (the new coleus plant), a little cleaning, then to the church for groundskeeping. We spent an hour pulling out a metric ton of sticky creepers. The groundskeeper lamented that his oil painting was stupid and he was going to fix it. I think in defending it I confirmed his suspicion. I'm not sure what to say.
After this I returned Red in the Bone and picked up Ishmael at the library. A church friend was there working, on her way to the basement YA area. She said, if you want to chat I'll be downstairs. I didn't. I just don't go to the library to talk to people, you know?
Then it was to Tractor Supply for potting soil. I didn't find the kind I wanted, all they had was Miracle Gro, which Reddit said retained too much moisture for coleus to live happily. I got it anyway, for lack of other options. I could've got the cactus mix. We'll see. I came home and repotted Rufus into the pot I'd previously used as a holder for the litter scoop. I didn't end up using much more dirt than what was already in his plastic pot. I hope the drainage is ok.
Then, dinner. I got on the train down to friend's house and arrived right as she opened the door. I got in her car, we drove over to a cute little town I'd never been in, and had long philosophical conversations over salmon and chicken salad. It was a good time. She drove me back to the train station, I hopped out before the car behind us could start honking, and came home and played Stardew Valley until after midnight. I might be a little addicted.
Now, I got out of bed specifically to pull the curtains for Rufus, to make coffee and read a bit more of A Street Cat Named Bob. Church today, then a visit to another friend who's downsizing and moving.
Quiet and silence today.
10:57 pm
Today started okay. At work, jumped in with everyone needing something, getting clarification, getting approvals, tying up loose ends. My own project is stagnating. I'll have to face it next week.
After work, brought the old computer-monitor for recycling. Went to Lowes and found a low-light plant that spoke to me, a coleus. I named him Rufus. Then got a veg burrito, came home, played stardew valley. I might be getting the hang of why people love it so much.
Maybe I can finish this book tonight. It's okay.
9:18 pm
I'm so tired and I don't feel like writing.
Today started hollow. The cat dishes are still out, the litterboxes are still full. I don't have the heart yet.
Meetings at work. Rushing to help when I know I won't do it if I wait. Trying to jump when I'm needed. This is how you burn out but it's so rewarding. I was feeling okay. Good, even. Relieved. Like a weight is lifted. A responsibility gone. I left work and I wasn't terrified that I'd come home to find Todd in a seizure. He's gone.
Seriously thinking of attempting to keep plants. The last time, there were insects that came in on them, an infestation I couldn't deal with. There must be a strategy. Maybe one of those creeping vines.
Constantly thirsty lately. Constantly tired. I've become one of those people impossible to talk to before coffee. All I've eaten is a chicken salad sandwich. It was a good sandwich.
I don't feel like writing.
9:03 pm
Today started with a few tears. I expected Todd to come running when I stepped out of the bedroom.
Tried at work to get as many applications processed as possible. There was a meeting about priorities, and I tried to follow it until the boss declared a different priority. What's the point.
Went to art. I told her about the cat dying and didn't tell her about my niece's birth. She knew, though. My mom had told her. How important is it to me, then, if I can't remember to mention it? It was last week. I was psyched to tell everyone last week. Now I'm just.
A reddit post about what pet is right for me, and everyone says there's no way I could properly care for a cat with my current situation. He was neglected. I neglected him and he died.
But I feel okay. I feel like. I won't repeat those mistakes. I knew it while he was alive. He knew it, I think.
Right now it's looking like I should have plants instead.
I feel so distant from my brother and his daughters. Why didn't I mention it?
9:34 pm
Today started nauseous. I lay in bed waiting for dawn, and then I got up and paced the apartment and looked over the back of the low bookshelf to see the stiff corpse of my cat. I charged my work cell and told them I was sick, I told my boss my cat died, I haven't slept, and I turned off the screen and crawled back into bed to wait for 9 am when the vet opened.
I called at 9:15, I said Todd has died, I need to cancel his appointment, what do I do with the body? She gave me several options, the last of which was to bring it to the familiar space of the vet office and they will send it to cremation and a communal burial ground at the pet cemetery. I chose this.
I moved the stiff body, wrapped in a new towel mom had given me for christmas, into a cardboard box that was the perfect size, and I laid it on the floor halfway down the stairs while I cried. I couldn't take him out for the last time.
The box eventually went on the passenger seat. I took him into the vet office and the lady at the desk greeted me happily and asked who I brought. I gave her my name, I said I called earlier, I brought Todd's corpse. She gave me an utterly horrified look, I apologized for ruining her day, she asked her colleague who had actually spoken with me on the phone. There was one paper to sign. I said yes to a keepsake. She took the box in the back (I said I didn't need the towel back) and after a bit returned with a boxed plaster of Todd's pawprint. I thanked them and drove to get a cup of coffee, then went straight to the park.
I walked into the woods and sat on the half-trunk bench at the top of the hill overlooking the lake, where the trees glimmered green with new growth and the birds were singing, and I texted two friends who I knew had cats but didn't have money. I offered them litter and canned food and litterboxes. I emailed my mom and helped plan our trip to see my brother, who texted me his condolences. One person walked past me carrying a fishing pole. We exchanged a quick smile, my eyes were watery with grief.
I went down the hill, took the long way back to the car, where I sat for awhile drinking coffee before I decided I couldn't go home and face the litterboxes and cat food dishes. So I called the car dealership and made an appointment for 1:20 to check my tire pressure sensor that was malfunctioning. So after a quick rest stop I drove up route one and into the service bay.
The attendant listened to my issue and said it was probably a worn out sensor. They're $270 each, he said, and they're all probably going to go at the same time. We should replace all of them, and we'll need to keep your car for a long while to do it. After we spend $250 diagnosing the problem. He had this tone in his voice, this isn't worth it. So I said, let's diagnose now and then see where we are. So I left the car with him and I walked across to the mall.
I went to the food court. I hadn't eaten anything all day. Nothing was appetizing. I could only imagine myself throwing up after eating chinese food, or burritos, or fried chicken, or pretzels. My stomach turned. I walked the length of the mall, then I went outside and walked a partial perimeter, where a cirque show was set up in a tent in the parking lot. I considered, but decided against, texting mom about it. I didn't want to go.
I got an email asking me to review and approve repairs to my car totaling $1800. I declined and walked back to the mechanic, where the attendant was still on hold with my warranty. The shitty hold music was repeating over and over at his desk. He said these sensors do nothing except show me the pressure of my tires. I asked if I need them at all, he said no, essentially I'd be paying $1800 just to turn off a light on my dashboard. I said I'll deal with the light. If the warranty will cover it, great. If not, who cares. He wholeheartedly agreed and ran to stop the mechanic from taking apart my car. I got my key back and I drove to the marketplace for a haircut.
I hadn't had a haircut since before covid. I've been cutting my own hair. But my hair has been bothering me, and I can't go home or I'll collapse weeping, and nothing can be worse than what I've been through already, so I walked in and checked in. My hairdresser cracked her neck and snorted and said "I got you" when I told her I really needed it off my neck and out of my face and I didn't care what else she did. She broke out all the stops. I've got a bob now, with razored layers that stay put without clips or pins. I tipped her as much as I possibly could. I drove halfway home before I realized I had a donated monitor in the trunk and I was just next door to staples: I should've dropped it off and I didn't. I have to go back before the end of the month. I went to the grocery store.
After I parked I realized I didn't have my bags. A small mental debate later, I decided I only needed hummus, kale, face wash, and something for dessert. I stuffed these items into my arms and walked out with them. And then I drove home. It was 4:30.
I haven't done my art homework. I don't know what I'm working on tomorrow. I'll bring the photo books I bought at the book sale, and we'll find something together.
I still keep seeing shadows of my cat moving in the corner of my eye, but it's just shapes and the tears in my eyes.
I see you, baba. I see you, buddy. You're okay.
9:36 pm
My cat just died.
I'm sitting on the floor beside his body wrapped in a towel.
He had a neurological problem. He'd passed out before, two years ago, after he'd been having problems eating. Many hours later he was declared to have a swelling in his brain. The cause was unknown without further useless tests, but the treatment was the same: prednisolone, twice a day. In the back of my mind I always suspected that maybe I did this to him. I admit I got angry with him more than once, before I learned to control my temper. I always felt like the vet knew that he'd been traumatized into this but didn't say anything to keep me from feeling guilty. But I'll never really know. Maybe it was just a brain tumor.
In the last weeks he was getting lost, getting confused, couldn't figure out where he was, forgot his food the second he looked away from it. I think I was patient, in the end. I think I accommodated him as much as I could without sacrificing my own wellbeing.
I took a video of him as he lay dying, wondering if he was going to snap out of it and get up. I took a video of me rubbing the back of his neck, causing him to scratch with his hind leg. I thought, at first, this might help him wake up, but it turned into a frightening seizure and I had to soothe him down. Several more seizures resulted, with periods of struggled breathing, until he simply stopped breathing.
I regret not holding him in my lap, but I was afraid of moving him, I was afraid I'd hold him the wrong way and he couldn't breathe. But I was near him, touching him, petting him until the end. He'd held on until I came home. But that sudden, frantic, nightmarish seizure will haunt me. He calmed down, though. He settled, and breathed, as I petted and whispered to him. I'm sorry.
I'm sorry. Thank you. Thank you for being with me when I needed you. Thank you for persisting when I didn't feel like getting up. Thank you for coming home after you were lost. Thank you for following me outside. Thank you for trusting me. I didn't deserve it but you did anyway. I'm so sorry. Thank you.
Goodbye.
Today started with a scene out of a slasher movie.
I barely slept last night. At 2 am I almost got up to look up something on the laptop but I didn't. In the morning I was up at 7 without the alarm (which hadn't been on in the first place, I discovered), stepped out of the bedroom and smelled the most horrific, nauseating stench. The cat was missing.
I looked all over, calling, getting more and more worried. Finally he poked his head out of the stairwell and came to me, stinking like hell. Braced for the worst, I looked down into the bottom of the stairwell and felt like I was in Silence of the Lambs.
There was a circular track of poop prints going round and round the little landing at the bottom of the stairs. More terrifying were the three parts of the wall that were bright red with hundreds of streaks of blood. It looked at first like something had been mauled there, but then it was clear that the cat had got down to the bottom, forgot there were stairs, thought he was trapped, and proceeded to defecate and walk in circles all night.
The blood, though, was confusing. I checked him all over, looking for wounds. There was only a cut on his ear, which must have been sliced on the door hinge. There had to have been so much blood to paint the walls red. But other than the sore ear and the sticky stink, he seemed fine.
I spent hours cleaning up, and the blood actually came out of the walls ok. I used three different types of cleaners and lit a candle and immediately bagged and dumpstered the shit. By the time I was done I was late for church.
I took two paintings: the bear and the tiger. There was insanity when I walked in. A usb drive didn't work. Luckily there was a web video. I announced my niece's birth, people applauded. I presented my paintings, everyone liked them. I credit my teacher. I'm worried about my cat.
Everyone leaves, and I check my messages: an invitation to lunch, but no location. I assume it's the usual place so I go. They're not there. I go back to my car and text and call two people until one texts back with a location.
I turned on my car and a warning light flashes: a tire is at 10 psi.
I text. My tire's almost flat, I have to take care of it. They call, I explain, they lament I can't make it.
It's Sunday. Nothing is open. I get out and look at the tire. It seems fine. I turn the car on again. Still 10 psi. How could it have deflated so much over the course of a few hours, but it's holding steady now? Suspicious, I start driving. 10 psi. I drive down the road toward the free air pumps. Still 10 psi. I get on an air pump and start filling. The gauge says 30 psi.
The sensor is stuck at 10.
So I went to lunch, where they were surprised and happy to see me. We talked and caught up, and set a plan for a month ahead to do it again, at the usual place this time. They decided last minute to split the check. This place doesn't split checks. Someone only has a card and no cash. I want to bang my head against the wall. I should've offered to pay and have everyone reimburse me. But we got through it somehow.
Came home and cleared the sink and washed the cat and planned some of this trip to san francisco. I can feel a bit better about it knowing I'd have more personal independence with the public transit system and possibly scheduled dates to go look at the cliffside ocean. Flights are extremely expensive.
I'm afraid to sleep now because I'll end up lying awake. It's time for reading and worrying about tomorrow.
The cat is still wet, but at least he no longer stinks.
9:47 pm
Today started way too early. I rolled out of bed, put on a hoodie, and intended to be at the church for only an hour. That hour turned into seven.
It was not at all busy or noisy like I'd feared. I stayed because R stayed the entire time, and there was a period in which it was just us handling things. Sometimes I was talking with N and I repeated myself or kept on a topic too long. I said things that didn't need to be said, or repeated thoughts with different wording, which left her unable to answer, or I kept on the same topic too long. I interrupted R in conversation to buy books. I'm not sure how to interact with her husband so it's awkward. I was so tired. I don't even know why I stayed. I could've left. I'd only signed up for an hour. But I couldn't let R stay the entire time and not stick it out with her.
So I stayed. And moved books and walked around and around perusing. And I got home and cobbled food and slept for a few hours. Woke up and I had no idea what time it was or what day it was and I was immediately thinking of coworker who is extremely upset about her work and came to me for help and I feel like I'm letting her down and making it worse.
I don't trust anyone who says "I never complain." I don't trust anyone who says "I'm a nice guy." If you have to say it then you're full of shit. I went through the same bullshit. I figured it out and changed things myself. I never had help. No one ever had my back. And everyone else is now cowering behind me and shoving me out into the battlefield.
The problem is, J keeps things on her desk and doesn't review them, and when she does it's nitpicky nuance. I need to make her cut it out and use only logic and what's in front of her. The locals don't know what was or was not approved. From that perspective there needs to be a paper trail. A definitive what is and is not approved that can be pointed to as fault of our office or of the applicant. We need to have as much information about each thing as possible, then approve or deny each one based on that information, and write down exactly what was approved or denied, and copy local. I will not sit and listen to endless whining and resistance to change in the same breath asking for help. Fuck.
Tomorrow is another long fucking day. I'm bringing some artwork to show, then there's a lunch group, then there's another event that I'm now running tech for because no one else can do it apparently.
I need to read and sleep.
9:48 pm
I'm preoccupied with a problem that's difficult to solve. I've solved this same problem before, by taking on more work. But I'm being asked to solve a problem by giving someone else more work, and they are upset.
I spent an hour with each party, telling them why they're wrong and why they need to do things the way I envision. One gave me a gift. The other was close to screaming. Both are going to be upset with me before all this is through.
I need to get deep into it, feel the nuances of what's happening, and correct things one bit at a time. Twist and poke at it, make mistakes, and slowly develop something cohesive and efficient. I know I can. I've done it. The thing about email is it gets lost in your inbox if you don't do it right away.
I told them, what you're doing is for nothing because they're just going to do what they want anyway. All we can do, and they agreed, is cover our asses by only reviewing the paperwork that is provided. The issue is that things are coming into question by enforcers, so we need to have a clearer paper trail. I get that. Make the paper trail in letters.
Today started early again. The apartment smells like cat pee.
Spent a lot of time redesigning a webpage I probably don't have to redesign. Someone's not getting back to me about a meeting. It's already been six months.
Preparing for the book sale. I mostly wandered around doing nothing. Tomorrow morning, early, earlier than work, going back to set up right before customers arrive. I was smart enough not to sign up for actual customer service. I'd go nuts.
I'd finished Jurassic Park. I liked the technical first half best. Then it fizzled. Started Red in the Bone.
I told mom I might actually fly out and stay with her in san francisco, though every cell in my being is telling me I will go insane. I have to weigh my regrets. I'd regret going. I'd regret not going. There is no win.
I hate traveling.
I hate everything right now.
7:28 pm
I didn't write yesterday and I remember little. I went to see Les Ballets Trockadero de Monte Carlo. Impressive dancing, honestly mostly played seriously. 80% of the applause was for feats of physical prowess, 20% was for the laughs. I'm glad I went. I got home and ate and slept.
Today started early. I was up half an hour earlier and just went to work. Ended up getting there only ten minutes before my start time anyway. Shows how late I usually am.
Handled a bunch of projects. Got called into a meeting where they gave me a $200 gift certificate for art supplies, as thanks. In the same meeting we hashed out some procedures that I know the current admin is going to hate. But I know it will help in the long run. She's going to be very upset. I'm going to show her how it works.
I agreed to go see my nieces alone, without my mom, in California. I need to have my own separate place, and plans to do things on my own, not to stick around their house all the time. I need to research hotels and public transit. There is a nearby bus line I think. Maybe I'll take the train down.
Still nervous and braced that the admin will hate me for doing everything she didn't want me to do. I know, absolutely certain, this is what needs to happen in order to make things better.
Tomorrow night I'm helping with the book sale setup. Then early Saturday morning I'm finishing setup, but at least I'm not there for the rest. I have a box of books I need to get rid of. This is my opportunity. I just need to get them to the car and to the church.
The cat continues to make enormous messes everywhere he goes. I need to bathe him again. He's not grooming himself.
I'll pile the books ready to go down to the car in a few trips. Tomorrow I'll have to inhale food before I have to be down for volunteer work.
Praying this confrontation with the admin doesn't end in tears.
Trockadero tonight.
8:19 pm
There were messes today. There was a little drama in my inbox: cheesecakes, zoom streaming things I didn't want to go to, art teacher backpedaling on things she said. My cat kneels inside his dish to eat. There's food all over the place. Work was just handling things as people yell about them.
It doesn't matter. My second niece was born today. She is amazing.
10:13 pm
Right now dragged the cat's dish closer to me because he won't eat if I'm too far away. Everything smells like fish. But he's eating. The carpet crackles with litter because he walks through the boxes on his trek round and round the apartment. He's totally blind in one eye. The other at least blinks when something's close to it.
Today started sick. The combination of late-night salsa and guacamole, then ice cream and cheap chocolate, made me feel like dying this morning. I seriously considered calling out but I didn't.
From the moment I got in the office it was nonstop. I'm working on a thousand projects simultaneously, all of them are critical for different people, and each of them is in their own little world. One asked me, what even is going on that's more important than me? And I began to list them, she said okay okay, and I listed them faster. At 4:30 I submitted four separate projects for completion on my end and went home. Fuck it.
I made pasta with egg and spinach and kale, just a little of the guac and salsa. I read about the middle half of Jurassic Park. At this rate I'll finish all 400 pages in 3 days. I'll need to go back to the library.
There's a book sale this weekend. I have a box of books too heavy to lift; I'm too tired lately to deal with it but it's my chance to deal with it. Friday I volunteered to be there to help set up. Friend sent me the menu to her favorite restaurant and says we have to go soon. I'm headache-tired.
2:11 pm
Today started with some reading. I'm almost finished On Writing. Went to church, the basement is ok but the floor is warped. All went ok until after.
I spoke with one person there, and she has rather big teeth. I kept looking at her mouth and I feel like shit. I don't know if she noticed, but I was simply a little distracted. But I can't remember much about our conversation because I was distracted. I need to do better about strict eye contact.
Someone else spoke with me and a small group of guys, saying the website looks terrible, it should be a different way, it's going to turn people away, it's just awful, in order to make it palatable to members it has to be this other way, etc. It was clear that she was stating her personal opinion as objective fact in front of other people who won't know the difference, so I spoke up and corrected her. (and defended the website manager, who was not there to defend herself) In the end I agreed the site doesn't look professional but it gets done what it needs to and that's okay. We parted on good terms, but as with all conflicts I can't help but wonder if I could've handled it better. One of the guys came to me separately to ask for my honest opinion, so I guess that means my thoughts are valued here. I appreciate that.
Afterward I mowed the lawn - or tried to, until the lawnmower stopped suddenly. I filled it with gas and tried for another five minutes to get it started before the groundskeeper came out. He tried once and it was fine. Of course. This must be how others feel when I stand by a computer and it suddenly works.
I need to wash dishes. I need to put books in the car for the sale on Saturday, probably take them over tomorrow when I move back the trash cans.
I can finish On Writing today, maybe get started on Jurassic Park.
It's the 14th right now, Sunday morning. I didn't update yesterday because I was writing TWATG. So I'm writing today talking about yesterday, because I feel like it's important to reflect.
Yesterday, Saturday, started with a decision not to go to the church grounds cleanup or to the book festival. The church lawn needs to be mowed, and normally that's my job, but I used the energy to clean my apartment. The book festival might have been okay, but I need to listen when my body says enough. I also realize that this kind of exhaustion is laughable compared to most people. But it's mine.
My cat is now at least mostly, if not totally, blind. He follows my voice and my footsteps. He finds himself stuck in places he can't figure out how to escape, so he pees there. I don't know how his little bladder can hold so much pee that he always has some to give whenever he gets into a corner. I've since barricaded the stairs, the kitchen, and the bedroom/bathroom area with pieces of the old futon so he can't get in and get lost.
So my apartment was starting to smell ripe. I used the acquired morning to clean and organize and straighten out places he gets stuck in. I moved cords out of his way and pulled furniture away from the wall so he could move behind it, since I can't seem to prevent him from getting back there in the first place. I vacuumed and cleared surfaces and dusted and mopped and soaked more urine out of the carpet and sprayed it with castille soap. It's the only smell that I don't find offensive.
I got hungry and realized I still haven't been to the grocery store, so I spent an hour debating before I ordered from the Dennys website. I went down to the restaurant and the lady there was just not having a good day, but she threw my bag at me and I went with thanks. I'm sure takeout is not their ideal way of selling food, but I've sat alone at a diner only once and it was an awkward experience for everyone.
I've been mostly vegetarian, but in the back of my mind I'm aware of my tendency toward anemia. I got a burger for lunch, turkey for dinner. It lasted me well into the night while I wrote a terrible draft of this chapter that's been bugging me for two months, while the cat paced round and round and round and round the apartment making distressed noises. Sometimes he's quiet if I hold him. Sometimes he just wants fresh food. I'd be lying if I said I was never annoyed with him for demanding vague attention, not eating, not playing, fussing out of my arms but still upset. I feel like he is generally miserable and yelling at me to fix it.
Am I a terrible person for turning up the music in my headphones instead?
I think not having to navigate to a site or open a book in order to write a journal entry- instead, just open up a pinned notepad -has changed my perspective and softened my initial aversion.
Today started earlier than I'd meant to wake up. The alarm went off at 6:30 as usual, but where I'd normally crackle into the mattress for an hour and a half, I got up and shuffled through the routine. Maybe it was the brighter light outside, filtering through the tent, after so many days of rain.
At the office, a meeting about process and dignity in office support work followed by a string of interruptions I barely remember. I worked on small projects as they were requested. A developer finished another important project and posted it live. In all, productive.
At the end of the day, the janitor got down on his knees and scrubbed the carpet in another coworker's cube. I told him I thought it was cleaning solution (that coworker scrubs everything raw every time she comes in) but I'm not sure he heard me because he sprayed it down and tried getting it out anyway. The effort was a failure. I gave him the entire remaining tray of baklava from a visiting coworker yesterday, it's been in the fridge. I hope it's not sour.
I didn't go to the grocery store because I was too hungry. Maybe I should eat before 6 pm some days, but I'm so caught up in the nonstop succession of problems to solve that I can't find a "good" time to go get a sandwich. And then I don't feel like walking in the city. And then someone asks me a question and I spend the next hour helping them and then it's 3 pm and it's only two more hours I don't need to eat.
I've eaten three bowls of pasta and an entire toblerone.
I told my art teacher I can't make it to class because I have tickets to a show. I didn't say what it was, but she knew: she'd been thinking of going to the same show. She apparently immediately went to check ticket prices and exclaimed how expensive they were, then quoted a price that was three times what they're actually currently sold for. I am confused but I didn't push it, in case she's backpedaling somehow.
I'll be driving to the theater. There's no train after it's done.
The groundskeeper thinks I'm not going to be at the cleanup tomorrow because he read last week's message a couple days ago. There's a book festival tomorrow, too. I could just go to the festival. Or I could sleep for the first time in two weeks. I have a feeling bed will call me far louder than crowds. Books belong in quiet lonely spaces.
Time for more On Writing and all the sleep I could want.
Today started early. Just do the routine half an hour earlier, it's all the same anyway. Had a meeting about distributing workload, then another meeting about the new database in which I got a list of homework assignments. Then a small panic, a high number of applications to process, crazed distraction, a coworker running around like mad while a superior laughed, a computer left with me while it updates. I didn't finish what I set out to do.
Got a tuna hoagie and ran to the train. Met up with friend and we finished cleaning her apartment after I gave her a mango that was given to me by the mad coworker. Her apartment looks clean and cozy now. She's definitely passing inspection tomorrow. Hopped the train home at night. The landscape looks so different, dark under the lights smeared with rain. Got an orange creme soda and a cold quesadilla at the corner store.
Now it's just me and the cat and a list of performances at the book festival on Saturday. I hope I'll have the stamina to go. It depends on what tomorrow brings.
Today started late. The alarm went off at 6:30, I languished, I read another chapter of On Writing, I spaced and napped until 8:15. I left at 8:30.
Our office was being audited. Nothing to do with me, specifically, but tensions were high and interruptions were frequent. I was called in to show off our new database, which the auditors were impressed with. I also picked up a new project to develop an Access database between solving other people's process and data problems. The workday ended with me clearing out work for someone who's out.
Ran home thinking I'd eat the leftover rice in the fridge (I haven't been to the grocery store because I've been helping clean friend's apartment), only to find the rice smells very much inedible. I had nothing else fast-- pasta, basically --so I cobbled an egg sandwich and ran to art.
Art teacher was working on a crazy project for a crazy commission that has caused her so much grief. She also said she and my mom were finally in contact. I said, oh awesome- you'd said she wasn't responding to you, and she said you hadn't responded to her, and-- she interrupted, suddenly upset, and confessed that she'd put off responses on purpose because she didn't know her schedule yet. I tried to be reassuring but she got so upset she ran off to make a cup of tea. I wonder if I should've not said anything. Probably. But. She was ok when she came back. I finished the painting that I hadn't worked on all week.
During the lesson, friend messaged me. Rest today, pick up again tomorrow. Ok.
I went back to the corner store (where I feel like I've lived the past week due to continuing insanity -- I feel I'm understanding people who never cook, if everyone is constantly being pulled in all directions all the time like this, when do you go to the store?) picked up a chicken sandwich (I've mostly been eating vegetarian but damn I felt like I needed something substantial) and hot chocolate. Got home, fed the cat, ate, showered, and now I'm here with the cat in my lap.
Tomorrow, have to get to work before I have to be there because there's a meeting at my start time. Get shit done, then back to friend's house for the final time. Saturday there's a book festival. Still considering if I want to go alone or with anyone. I'm kind of surprised I'm considering not going alone. Not long ago I never would've thought of it.
Today started with a decision to drive to work instead of take the train. Today started with coffee and honey and oatmilk. I'm not sure what I'd set out to do, but I know I was distracted from it by a queue of coworkers with problems for me to solve. Most of the day was spent analyzing the phone auto attendant to weed out the incorrectly addressed buttons so I could send an email to IT. Files from two years ago were missing and we're getting audited tomorrow. I did what I could.
I got a tuna sub and more jalepeno chips, scarfed it down, washed my face, and got on the train down to friend's apartment. Just as I approached the door she sent me an email: can you come over tonight? We cleaned out an entire room, the place is in good shape. She may have got it down herself for tomorrow and Thursday. I rushed to the train and only just made the earlier night stop.
Went back to the corner store for cupcakes and orange creme soda. It's almost 11. I haven't had any time to do art homework at all since last Wednesday. It'll be ok. Time to brush teeth, more On Writing, then sleep.
Today began with a returning coworker, who had quit and is now back. I had to think fast to keep up. I'll have to have a strategy to keep up now and in the future, or somehow force them to slow down. When this person is talking, breathe. Let it go quiet. Think. Then respond. This particular person requires a lot of preparation. I can do it.
Made the vet appointment for the cat. He has a swelling in his head, he's taking two doses of Prednisolone every day since he passed out two years ago. He's been good, but lately has been peeing on the rug and everywhere but his litterbox. I've since set up gates (what used to be supports for a futon) so he won't get down the stairs or into the bedroom. Last night he'd peed near my bed. I cleaned it up, but the combined reek of urine and cleaning solution kept me up. It seems better now.
A friend emailed me while I was at work. SOS. Need help cleaning before an inspection, crippled by executive dysfunction. I get it. Totally I'll help. When?
After work, went down to the church. There was water in the basement again. After a moment of panic, I realized the dehumidifier was leaking. Fixed that, mopped up the mess, left fans on, pulled the aired-out rugs back inside the sanctuary, and texted the secretary that everything is ok. The church has a new roof now, she said. Did you see it?
Friend emailed me again. Can you come now?
I scarfed down dinner and hopped on the train down to her place. It was a good time cleaning. We got a room and a half done. I'm going down again tomorrow.
Got off the train and there was a guy there with his bike, looking stressed. He asked me if there was another train going the other way. The phone app wasn't working. We found the timetable posted on the back wall. He'd missed the last train. He went quiet. I didn't know what else to do, so I bade him a good night and I left. Maybe I could've recommended the bus that comes through there, but it seemed he has the same app that I have. He smiled and said "see you."
Now, leftover curry and jalepeno chips from yesterday, then hot carob oatmilk. A little more On Writing, then sleep. Tomorrow I'll have to actually eat during work so I can catch the train straight down to friend's house. Unless I should wait and eat dinner here.
I'll figure it out.
This morning was jittery with social anxiety. I breathed, I reminded myself of KILT, I read a bit of A Wrinkle in Time and headed out to the church. When I walked in, the secretary gave me a horrified look. "The basement is flooded again." I stared at her. I laid my hands on my head. My heart sank.
I'd heard the water burst as I'd left yesterday, but I'd convinced myself it was just the sound of the subpump.
After the speaker gave a talk about equality vs equity, I wandered down to find a film of water throughout the basement that we had spent 3 hours drying yesterday. Only this time it was just me and the secretary mopping it up with shop vacs and mops while someone else fixed the subpump. Finally I asked two remaining people upstairs to help me move trash to the curb: one ignored me and the other only did it after I stared at her for awhile.
I don't know. I just feel deflated. But yesterday's massive help turnout balances it out, I think.
By the time I was done mopping the basement for the second day in a row, I was weary. I got tacos, then on the way back took the corner too fast and had to slam the brakes - I thought the person behind me was too close to my bumper so it made it difficult for me to slow down. I could've cracked into someone pulling out of a parking spot, but I stopped with plenty of room. Still. I felt like everyone at the ice cream shop was staring and judging.
Got home, finished reading A Wrinkle in Time, didn't care about it, started reading On Writing by Stephen King. I've never liked any of his books, but this is good so far.
After a long debate I ordered delivery for some pad thai and curry. It cost almost twice as much as the food, but I got a lot of food for tomorrow to sort of make up for it.
Watched Jules with my library card. I kind of love this movie. It's sweet, and it didn't fall into the fight-the-government trope, which I'm so grateful for. I legitimately feel better after watching it.
Ambient noise: Tropical Forest Soundscape
Yesterday there was an earthquake. I was on a call with a coworker and I felt a rumbling. At first I thought it was the HVAC malfunctioning in the ceiling, but then the shaking grew more intense. Whoa. Whoa! Holy shit! The building is shaking! My coworker: What?? Oh no, here too! Both of us: EARTHQUAKE!
I hung up. I spammed messages in the group chat. Everyone panics. I forget a coworker is working remotely and proceed to run around the building looking for her and telling people I'm looking for her. I make other people panic who were not previously panicking. A line of people wearing jackets stampeded down the stairwell. A coworker came to me and said she was leaving to check on her dog, so I left with her. The boss laughed at us. An hour later, the governor ordered all state workers dismissed.
Today I almost didn't go to the church cleanup. I'd told the leader I wasn't going, but I had a feeling I had to go. I went. I discovered the basement was full of water. I panicked. I ran, I told everyone, I sent a mass email, the secretary panicked and sent a CAPSLOCK email to the entire congregation and then called absolutely everyone. My phone blew up. I accepted all their help before I realized how big the situation actually was. We had more help than we technically needed. Everything ended up okay.
I could stand to handle things better. I need a cooler head in the face of the unexpected. I can't be running around making people panic because I'm panicking: I want to be the calm in the storm. I want to be the anchor, not the hurricane.
In my search for strategies I came across this reddit comment that offered a solution that started me on a path: lists of focus words.
Mine would be kind, logical, calm, and informed. Or, maybe, KILT: Kind, Informed, Logical, Tranquil. I'm recently learning that I really need to have all the facts before I reach out to other people. My uncertainty causes chaos in others. I get anxious when I'm presented with partial information and am expected to make a decision. If I could just concentrate on being kind, being logical, being calm, and being informed, it would resolve most of my social and anxiety issues.
I went to the library and picked up Jurassic Park and On Writing by Stephen King, which I plan to read simultaneously after I speed-finish A Wrinkle In Time. I'd read it when I was young, but I remember absolutely nothing about it. I think I can finish it today or tomorrow. It's getting a little too wtf and I'm only halfway through.
Rediscovered Josh Garrels on bandcamp. Watching bitofalice play Lil Guardsman and making me want to play it so much. Worrying about who I want to be vs who I am. What is the point of me?